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This was originally posted in April of 2006. My mom and I were talking about this incident recently, so I thought I would dig up my account of events and post it for everyone to laugh at me again.

This morning started off with a good laugh and some silliness. If you didn’t already know, I moved in with my mom and stepdad about 2 months ago. For some reason, Mom sometimes wakes me up. Well this morning, I hear her usual “Sooz are you up? Its 6:30” and I reply with my usual half-ass “ooookay”. About 3 seconds later I hear Mom scream and then she starts carrying on about “gross” and “tarantula” and “big” and “spider”. Mind you I’m still extremely out of it, but Mom isn’t too easily excited so I figured I’d better go check it out.

There in the hallway was the biggest domesticated spider I’ve ever seen. This sucker had a leg-span about the size of one of those old 50 cent pieces. Spiders don’t freak me out as much as other bugs, so I’m like “alright, no big deal” and I reach for the fly swatter.  As I reach for it, my mother is so kind to remind me that the spider might bounce up because it’s on carpet. Might. Suddenly that fly swatter handle wasn’t quite long enough.  My tough-girl attitude wavered.

I began to think of what else we might have in the house that could kill a spider from more than five feet away. I finally decided on a weapon: the heavy-duty Giga-Hold hairspray that even glues MY fingers together. It’s a pump spray so I gave him a slow, light mist of Giga-Hold, sprayed from arms length. He looked a little uncomfortable. Mom ordered me to go ahead and swat him, but that fly swatter bouncing thing was still freaking me out, so Mom threw a shoe at it (missed). Finally Mom worked up the nerve to hit it with the fly swatter (she missed the first time because her eyes were closed) and smacked the crap out of it. I saw something come flying past me (I was down the hall hiding in the bathroom doorway) off of the flyswatter on her backswing, but went over to check out the damage before investigating what had come off of the swatter. He was dead alright, but he looked a little smaller. I went back down the hall to see what had flown past me, and there was a round, brown…thing. Apparently, the thing that came flying my direction was his ass!

I could not help but laugh hysterically…after I was able to speak enough to tell my mother what it was, and she nearly vomited (which made me laugh even harder). A day just isn’t a day without some spider ass flying at you :)


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